


What a great year to be a mum

by WhatsNew



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Emotions, Family Fluff, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:23:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21990424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsNew/pseuds/WhatsNew
Summary: Karen reminisces in the year of big revelations, regret, happiness and new chapters. Year 2019 through proud mum's eyes.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	What a great year to be a mum

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a comment that inspired me to write about her current thoughts. However it escalated quickly to a whole year worth of those:)  
> This is my first time ever writing something creative outside school and in English. Sorry for any mistakes. I'd love some comments and I do welcome constructive criticism. Thank you!

Dan had been acting somewhat oddly in some of the past family gatherings. Her eldest son has this a bit awkward but incredibly endearing and lovable demeanor. But lately Dan had been radiating even more awkward energy than usual and frankly seemed almost guilty. That seemed weird to her. Had she done something for him to not feel welcome?

Karen asked how things were going every time they saw each other face to face. The short answer was always pretty much the same: "Great, mum. But you know me. I'd mostly rather hide in the corner by the food than socialise." or "Absolutely fine. I'm still just a little stressed about my new work projects." accompanied with a reassuring smile she could see through. She wished she could get her son to spit out what clearly was bothering him without prying or making him uneasy. As a mother she just wants her children's best after all and she loves her sons very much, thank you.

First it happened on Christmas, then on her birthday in February and even on Easter Sunday dinner. She knew Dan had been preparing for the London marathon. Could that be it? Something very new and out of his comfort zone. But surely he still wouldn't be that tense about it, right?

It was the night before the marathon in late April and she decided to send the selfie wearing her Team Dan proud mum t-shirt. She had tried to be extra supportive and involved without being suspicious throughout the year. Besides, she really was extremely proud mum of two. Always had been, always would be.

Quite quickly after sending the photo she got a call from Dan. He reluctantly admitted that he would drop out of the event. She of course did her best to convince that whatever felt best for him was the right decision by telling she's proud either way. She wasn't lying at all. Some weeks later she even tried to make Dan feel better by saying that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to register this suddenly after all. The work he had done wouldn't be wasted by any means. Maybe he needed more time and he could always try again next year.

The spring was ending and it finally started to feel like summer. Karen was sitting on her lounge sofa, Colin resting his head on her lap. She was texting a friend when she got a notification of an e-mail. It was from Dan and he had apparently sent it to the whole family contact list. Not unheard of but nevertheless bizarre since his birthday arrangements were already made. She opened it and started reading. Apparently it was finally the thing that had been on his lips so many times this year. Then she got to the sentence in the middle. "Basically I'm gay"

She was staring at those three words for what felt like an eternity and her mind was racing. Well blimey. Dan has kept this as a secret for so long? He had a girlfriend but was he quietly suffering the whole time? His school years couldn't have been easy because kids can be ruthless to anyone who's different. Why couldn't he tell me? Am I such a bad mother he didn't trust me sooner? Tears were threatening to fall from her eyes but she refused to let them and wanted to focus on being there for his son.

Karen immediately responded by saying she loves him with all her heart and always will. She had started stroking Colin's little head with her free hand and soon she was able to calm down completely. Bless this dog. She picked up the phone again and called Dan. It was an emotional but great conversation. 

In Dan's words the e-mail was meant as a starting point and it really was. Dan seemed relieved to recieve her wholehearted acceptance and support during the call. Karen knew that there were communication issues between them but she was determined to fix that to the best of her abilities. Now more than ever. She got an impromptu idea of a holiday away with her sons. It had been a long time since they had travelled together. Plus she knew Dan was more comfortable seeing them outside of Reading and this house. Dan told her he was on board. Perfect. Then he had to say his goodbye and that Phil says hi. 

Wait a minute.

Phil Lester. The friend that had done wonders to his teenage son's self esteem. The man Dan had lived with for about eight years now. The man Dan had done a whole radio show and two books and two world tours with. Blimey. Of course. Karen had always had a hunch that there was something more than friendship going on between them but she never wanted to intrude. Besides she was currently getting way ahead of herself. She didn't know Phil's side of the story and as long as Dan was happy she didn't care what they were to each other.

With Phil he clearly was happy. It wasn't surprising. Phil was always very polite and charming. He radiated positivity and had an overall lovely and kind personality. They had a very special chemistry between them, Dan and Phil. It was like Dan could be completely himself around Phil and vice versa. She had been delighted to see his son get more confident by the day over the years.

Dan had been very young at only eighteen when she first let him travel to see this mysterious Phil. He was legally an adult and she needed to trust her gut feeling that he would be safe. Dan had been considering applying to Manchester university, so surely it was good if he had a friend there waiting in case he got in? 

Everytime Dan called from Phil's his voice was almost unrecognisable. He sounded like he was on top of the world and her heart calmed down for good quickly after that realisation. She was incredibly happy for him but noticed Dan's mood dropping when they were apart. It was around that time she started to understand the speciality of this new friend.

She remembered how she was absolutely beaming when Dan had gotten the unconditional decision from Manchester uni. No more grumpy Dan coming home only to spend all his time on Skype. Except of course when he would come home for holidays.

Suddenly the oven timer went off with a loud 'bing' and Karen was shaken out of her nostalgia trip. Colin got interested in the now ready food, jumped off the sofa and ran to the kitchen. Karen chuckled and got up too to follow her "third son", still feeling a bit gobsmacked but very happy.

On Dan's birthday she called him again and made sure the gift box of his favourite eco friendly bath products had made it to his house okay. It had and Dan thanked her. She wished him happy birthday and they chatted about his plans for the day. Dan said he was about to upload his big video any day now. He'd let her know.

Karen had learned during their call after the e-mail that Dan had spent months making this video. It was a part of why he had been so highly strung during the year. This was still something he'd wanted to do for a long time now. It was pride month and it was now or never. Very appropriately she already felt proud.

Two days later the text from Dan came announcing the video was now online. Karen couldn't help but feel nervous. Mostly for her son because understandably this was a big thing for him. He had thicker skin than ever but internet can be a wild and cruel place. She knew that much.

Karen was shopping for groceries when the text came. As soon as she got home, emptied the bags and had put everything away she grabbed her laptop and settled in the armchair to watch it. Oh it was a long one. 'Wait. I probably will need tissues.' One trip to the kitchen later she took a deep breath and started the video.

Boy was Karen glad she got the tissues. She had to pause the video multiple times to let her tears flow. Especially after the part where Dan admitted a suicide attempt. At first came shock and she just cried as her heart broke a bit. It was in the past but she felt so... blind? She had known something wasn't right but Dan had hidden so much pain. She tried her best to work through her own ache and swore to do everything in her power to be as good a parent to her sons she possibly could.

Karen blew her nose, pressed play and soon she was laughing through the tears. She had to admit that as heavy and serious as the message was, Dan was doing a great job to balance it out. She always thought he had a natural gift for performing. Ever since he was singing Spice Girls in a long wig while his nan filmed. She loves those tapes and wishes there'd be more. 

A lot of things in Dan's childhood hadn't gone how Karen had hoped. She could never regret having her beautiful children but the need to work so much for stable income wasn't in any way ideal. Dan's video reminded her that Dan's nan had practically raised him for the first years. That must be at least part of the connection and communication issue. Dan had always been somewhat reserved with her.

Then Dan in the video got to the part when he had met Phil. Karen's eyes got watery again but this time it was tears of happiness. The way her son talked about Phil was so heartfelt and beautiful she couldn't help it. 'An actual soulmate, huh.' A huge smile spread on her face. Suddenly she felt better knowing Dan had found such an important person after years of apparent hell.

She wanted to give both of them a long and loving hug. Even Dan and Phil's relationship had been under intrusion which was a shame to hear. They certainly didn't deserve that after all their hard work. Maybe fans are more aware and respectful these days. Hopefully.

Dan spoke so passionately about society, expectations, bullying, gender and sexuality that Karen was blown away. Hearing him say the words "I'm gay" for potentially millions and millions of people to hear brought the sneaky tears back again. He did it!

The video ended on a hopeful note and of course with a joke. The humour was pretty out there on this one but Karen didn't mind one bit. Besides that humour gave her much needed laughs throughout the video. Dan had done something incredibly brave with all his heart and it showed.

Karen had to take a moment to collect her thoughts. There was sadness, almost regret, confusion but most of all relief, happiness, admiration and pride. That seemed to be the theme of this year so far. 

Pride.

Once again the phone call was full of emotion and promise. Dan said he didn't blame her for absolutely everything which was her secret fear. He was more angry at those who saw everything and did nothing. That had been the most painful part. No one standing up for him.

Well, there was something Karen had done, or rather hadn't done. Teaching Dan how to be properly independent and survive day to day life. A more firm push and guidance towards a clear aim in life would have been appreciated too according to Dan. Basically she had been a good mother when she was around. Once again she wished they had been more prepared before having their beloved first born.

She tried to sound normal when she told Dan to say hi to Phil for her. Karen was still feeling giddy but she knew she had to be patient. Relationships had always been among the hardest things for Dan to talk about after all. 

Then came July and London pride. Karen had decided to go to Reading pride the moment she heard Dan would be going in London. She would take Colin and send a picture to Dan. Colin was the main reason Dan even visited. She couldn't fully blame him. Colin is absolutely precious and soulful little thing.

They were able to find a time slot when both Dan and Adrian were free in September. Adrian was travelling on the Alps so they ended up renting a villa in France. She didn't want to fly with Colin so Dan joined on the car ride. 

It was a very lovely fortnight and the longest they had spent under the same roof in a long time. All the distance from the internet had seemingly done wonders to Dan who was cheery, bubbly and enthusiastic most of the time. He even left his moustache unshaved for a week with results that made them all giggle. The photos she took of Dan with the baguettes were pretty great in her opinion, although she lovingly agreed that he looked like he had been in France for too long.

One night Karen accidentally overheard a snippet from a video call between Dan and Phil. Phil was laughing fondly and there was smile in Dan's voice when he said "C'mon man I'm just trying to blend in. It's not my fault I still haven't finished puberty." She grinned and kept walking.

Later she asked how Phil was doing alone in London but Dan told he had gone to visit his family too. Of course, that made sense.

"Okay, speaking of Phil I've been thinking about this for a long time now so... Guess I could come clean about everything. Phil and I are together and have been pretty much since we met almost ten years ago. We are actually planning a Japan trip to celebrate it in November." Karen could've cried from happiness and said as much. "Oh bear I'm so bloody happy for you both! Come here! Now I can't wait to hug Phil too." Karen nearly crushed him judging by his strangled laugh. "Well you will eventually. He likes you a lot you know." She couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the trip. Both of her sons were doing better than ever.

Dan invited Karen for a dinner in London before they were off to Japan. So that she could hug Phil, you know? She did give long loving hugs to both of them and drowned them both in excited congratulations for their anniversary. Emotions caught her again while she thanked for the trust to let her in on their relationship. Karen couldn't resist a little teasing. That's why she said how proud she is of her son and future son-in-law. Dan and Phil shared a meaningful look at that when they thought she wouldn't see.

Remembering that look Karen couldn't say she was surprised when she got the text from Dan. They were in a beautiful park in Japan. The picture only showed their left hands entwined. They had rings on and the message only had ten heart emojis. There the tears of joy were again pouring from her eyes. Blimey how many times does this boy plan to make her old mum cry this year? She sent a cute photo of Colin with a message of congratulations, heart emojis and "the ring bearer?"

Now she could not wait to see Dan for Christmas. It would hopefully be the best Christmas they've had. Definitely better than last years now that everyone could be unashamedly themselves. Karen sincerely hoped Dan would have easier time this year. She believed so. Dan deserved to feel like he had won in the end. Nothing should hold him back anymore. 

Well, maybe his fiancé and his family, but only until Christmas Eve.


End file.
